50 starts here

About a year before I turned 40, I had a think about how I wanted to feel as I woke up on that particular birthday. 

As I recall, I mostly wanted not to feel angry with myself for being overweight and unfit. I wish I could remember thinking or feeling anything more profound, as I entered the early stages of my midlife, and maybe I did. Who knows? I have quite serious CRAFT syndrome.

For once, I took myself seriously. I took up running and exercising and woke up on my 40th, in Florence, lean and fit and proud of myself. I ran up the campanile to prove that I could.

Nearly ten years later, that relatively simple outlook on a looming birthday feels quaint and out of reach.

In 2.5 years I will be 50. For whatever reason(s) I'm feeling very aware of it - and not in a particularly positive way. So I thought I'd write about it. 

Let's break this into sections:

PHYSICAL

Peri-menopause. A list of symptoms as unpleasant to describe as they are to experience. An unavoidable sign that my body is at the top of the hill and peering over the other side. 

But: there's HRT to look forward to, and ultimately (although not soon, knowing my luck) the end of periods. Also friends are going through it too and we're from a generation happy to talk about this stuff, and that really helps.

I'm trying to accept going grey, too. 

I think worrying or angsting over the physical changes in my body is something I can take action to mitigate, as I did before. I don't need to lose weight (or not as a priority) but I want to feel that my body is strong enough to carry me through the next decade. 

The exercise I take to achieve that is going to have to be different from before, because, IRONY, of course it's older and less bouncy. So running is out. Could swimming be in? The gym is out (for now, Covid). Could yoga and Joe Wicks and weights be in? 

MENTAL

So many thoughts. Am I using my time wisely? Should I be pushing myself harder? What can I be proud of? What do I have to look forward to? How can I improve my mind / spirit / personality? Who can I look to for inspiration? What does it mean to be 50 and female in this time - where and what and how and who is my space? What comes next?

Just your average, I expect. But, at times, overwhelming. And there's plenty more where that came from, too. About being a daughter still (lucky me). A partner. A sister. An aunt. A friend. 

When in doubt, go to the neutral zone. That's what they say. For me, neutral is exercise, writing and reading. Hence this blog. I'm going to figure it out - or try to - out there, and report back, in here.

Life moves pretty fast. If you don't stop and look around once in a while, you could miss it. 

I'll say, Ferris. So let's go. 50 starts here...